Rosh Hashanah

Rosh Hashanah brings to mind various things. Some folks will simply think, "Ah, a Jewish Holiday." Others will perhaps look up the meaning of this holiday and read about the ram horn and the Jewish calendar.

For me, my mind races back to 1975 when I found out I was pregnant, single and in college several hours away from home. I think of crisp weather, leaves on the trees turning colors, football practice sounds from the field behind the dorm, needing an extra blanket and making decisions which I had no way of knowing the full ramifications.

I think the traditions of Rosh Hashanah are appropriate concerning my life. You are supposed to pray close to running water and symbolically throw your sins into that water.

My life was so exposed and I totally committed to throwing my sins and my care to turbulent waters. I turned my back on everything I had planned and jumped with both feet into a different life.

Part of me felt complete and reborn. I was reborn to live in a total different existence. I had grown up with lots of communication but no order. I now lived with a family where there was order but absolutely no communication.

Then there was a part of me which kept apologizing for failure and kept trying to be the same Carolyn - whoever that was.

Pregnant didn't mean baby to me. Pregnant meant caught.

The month of May brought little eyes that looked back at me and expected direction and care. The household which provided order in my life then taught me how to care for this little one. I wasn't ready, I didn't plan on becoming some one's caretaker. The future I had before me was redirected.

It took me seven years to relinquish my idea of myself. Only a perfect Savior could make a difference in me. Out with the old and in with the new. It was Jesus who changed my life and is now my Redeemer. I am totally dependent on Him sorting out the specifics.

Every Rosh Hashanah, I revisit my eighteenth year and remember.